pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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