i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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