When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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