I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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