Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
