no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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