If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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