Ambien. No doubt about it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
