do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
