i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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