I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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