Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
