How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
