4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
