Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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