oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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