Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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