My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
