Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just google imaged poop.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
