I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
