i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
