call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
