i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
