She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
