life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
