you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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