im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
