Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
