I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
