I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
