eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
