You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
