So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
