remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
