Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
