He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
