If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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