Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
