Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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