Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am one with the molecules
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
