just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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