He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
