I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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