I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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