Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
