I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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