I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
