My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Everclear isn't food dammit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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