So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
