I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
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I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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