checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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