Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
