Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
