I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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