Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
