She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
