I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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