Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
