Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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