Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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