If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
